Bob Dylan once wrote, "money doesn't talk -- it swears." And when it comes to political fundraising, it's positively profane. I think it's just a matter of time before we switch on the television and hear, "Decision 2000 -- The Race for the White House & brought to you by Procter and Gamble, makers of Downy, who remind you that, the best money & is soft money."

According to the Federal Election Commission, the nine "official" candidates running for president have collectively "raised" over 150 million dollars, more than half of which has come from corporations, and PACs.

This raises the question: What is the psychic vig on that kind of up front money? Vig, for those of you who've never dealt with a bookie or a loan shark, is short for vigorish, a wonderful Yiddish noun for 'interest paid to a money lender.' I emphasize the word lender because along with most other sentient beings, I know that no one gives away that kind of cash without expecting something in return. We know it, the candidates know it, and they know that we know.

I say, let's cut to the chase. If the Rolling Stones can dodder around on a stage covered with Tommy Hilfiger logos and Tiger Woods haves a Nike hat surgically attached to his head, why not offer the same opportunities to those running for office?

It is time to let the corporations out of the dark closets and smoky back rooms into the harsh neon daylight of sponsoring presidential candidates. I say, instead of Brooks Brothers suits and Eddie Bauer sportswear, let's put the candidates in nifty jump suits like the one's NASCAR drivers wear, and let corporations paste logos all over them and their tour buses. The only question left is who would sponsor whom?

Bill Bradley is deeply in the pockets of the financial services community inasmuch as he's gotten more than $500,000 from folks like Goldman Sachs, Citigroup, Lehman Brothers, Merrill Lynch and Morgan Stanley. He could paint his tour bus to look like a stock ticker and make buy recommendations at every campaign stop.

Alan Keyes presents a bit of a conundrum. A former UN Ambassador, he's a black Republican. That's like saying Taliban bartender. Mr. Keyes has also dipped into the trough of soft money, but with just a little over $10,000 in contributions, it would seem the lobbyists are voting with their checkbooks. Still, maybe we can get Denny's to cough up a bus and handle the catering.

Gary Bauer scares me. The man who would be the American ayatollah. Mr. Right-to-Life is tailor- made for Baby Gap, or Pampers.

Mr. Forbes inherited daddy's money, daddy's yacht and daddy's plane. Unfortunately he didn't inherit daddy's charisma. Why does Mr. Flat Tax want to be President? Except for secret service guys watching his every move, he's already got all the trappings. Maybe he just wants a bigger plane. You know how guys are, it's always a size thing. Or maybe it's just a ploy to boost circulation of his magazine.

Do you get the feeling the only reason they let Orrin Hatch run for president -- until he dropped out this week -- is because he's head of the Senate Judiciary Committee? It's like letting the dorky guy play baseball because it's his bat. Or maybe it's because he is so boring, he makes everyone else look good. Or at least animated. Oddly enough the Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America have been very generous to Orrin. Which makes sense. If anyone can sell No Doz, it's Borin' Orrin.

Let us not forget Pat Buchanan. The fun factor in presidential politics now that Dan Quayle isn't running. Pat's a builder. Wants to build that wall along the Mexican border to keep foreigners out. He can't build it with mud alone, so who better to sponsor him than Home Depot? You'll be able to spot his campaign staffers a mile away because they'll all be wearing those little orange aprons and hardhats.

Al Gore's best friends are the folks at the accounting firm of Ernst & Young who have contributed more than $120,000 to his campaign. Ever been to a party with accountants? They make Al look exciting, which is why he hangs out with them. His bus could be outfitted to look like a #2 pencil. And with all the money he's getting from special interests, his campaign slogan could be: "Al Gore ... it all adds up!"

John McCain interestingly enough, has been the most vocal advocate of campaign finance reform. And while he decries the influence of money in politics, he seems to have no problem being influenced himself. He is number three, behind Bush and Gore for accepting money from lobbyists. Actually, Mr. McCain is really pulling off a neat trick. In essence he's saying, "You guys suck. That'll be $5." Not only do they pay, but he retains the moral high ground. Now that is presidential material. And not to denigrate the great sacrifices he made as a prisoner of war in Hanoi, but I think the people at Hilton are missing out on a great opportunity here.

Finally, let us not forget George "I've-got-so-much-darn-money-I don't-need-federal-matching-funds" Bush. If ever there was a poster child for the oil industry, it has to be the Texas governor. He's also known as the compassionate conservative, even though he's executed more people than Stalin. I guess that means you get a choice between the electric chair and lethal injection. Conservative sponsors would line up for "W" -- electric utilities, big oil, drug companies, the Beef Council ... he could be the Michael Jordan of political sponsorships.

I really don't think the American people would have a problem with commercializing politics, plagued as we are by logos and advertising on every conceivable surface within eyesight. In fact, I don't think anyone would notice. I believe most folks find this lack of advertising and product placement in political campaigns startling and suspect. One might even say, disingenuous. One of the greatest obstacles to commercializing the process has been the illusion that the dignity of the office precludes any hucksterism or outright endorsement. If you've been paying attention to the antics of the current tenants of the White House, that's not a problem anymore.